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Dreamforce Tips – Bad Advice Edition

Dreamforce 2017 is just around the corner. It’s this time of the year where it seems everyone is sharing tips for Dreamforce. From the official Salesforce Admin Podcast, Twitter, and the community as a whole is sharing Dreamforce Tips. Heck, I found three blog posts alone from Salesforce to help Admin or Developer “first timers” including a post that used me as a reference.

I’m not blameless, I’ve done it too!

I don’t know about you, but it’s become almost like Christmas music at retail stores by December. You’re ready to pull your hair out and take a bat to the speakers. I want to do something different this year. So here’s

Dreamforce Tips – Bad Advice Edition

  1. Don’t plan ahead: There’s plenty to do at Dreamforce. Don’t bother making a list of goals or sessions you want to join. Simply show up and move with the flow. If you make it to a session great! (click to tweet!)
  2. Buy brand new shoes with heels right before you get on the plane. The higher the heels the better. This goes for both men and women. You never know what high up things you may need to reach. You can take an uber everywhere you go anyways. Who needs to walk? (click to tweet!)
  3. Wear a hospital mask and cough & sneeze as much as you can in your hands. This will create a magical protective bubble around you in the crowded spaces. Talking to people at Dreamforce can be dangerous. (click to tweet!)
  4. Don’t bring your laptop. You want more computer power than that. Bring the beefiest laptop or, better yet, desktop with you. You’re at a tech conference! You need to show your tech gear off! To that point, forget the desktop, bring your server stack with you and a long set of extension cords (click to tweet!)
  5. Pack only 1 shirt. Not only will this save on luggage space, but you will be extra motivated to get those free t-shirts and sweatshirts at Dreamforce. If you’re not getting at least 1 a day, you’re not working hard enough! That’s why we go to these expensive tech conference, for the free low-quality clothing! (click to tweet!)
  6. Leave the water bottle in the hotel. You simply don’t need to hydrate during Dreamforce. There will be plenty of free beer and other booze around. Drink that! (click to tweet!)
  7. Don’t go to parties. Those parties are just there to gather up your email and phone number so you can be later sold to. You’re not talking to people anyways so why bother? (click to tweet!)
  8. Go to all the parties. Who cares about future sales calls? Free food? Free beer? Go to them all, eat and drink your fill, then go to the next one! (click to tweet!)
  9. Sit in the back row of your sessions. Everyone will be using a microphone. This way you can sneak out early to make all those parties. (click to tweet!)
  10. Don’t talk to session speakers afterwards. You already heard everything important they can share, right? (click to tweet!)
  11. Don’t participate in the session chatter. Why ask questions or read updates afterwards. You went to the session. Wasn’t that enough for them? (click to tweet!)
  12. Avoid the Expo Halls, you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. Be cautious, they’re all trying to sell you stuff. It doesn’t matter they can help solve problems less expensive than building it yourself! (click to tweet!)
  13. Don’t share anything about yourself. No one will be interested. You’re there to learn from everyone else not share about yourself! (click to tweet!)
  14. Buttons make excellent tiling. Get as many as you can and then glue them on the backwall of your kitchen, bathroom, or hats! Everyone love hats covered in pointy buttons (click to tweet!)
  15. Text or Talk on your phone during sessions. You can act as if you’re relaying important information about the session you’re in when you’re really updating your fantasy football league (click to tweet!)
  16. Don’t bother with clothing layers. Yes the temperature can vary during the day in San Francisco. Just run faster in those tall heels and you’ll be warm enough (click to tweet!)
  17. Don’t wear your badge. Why let everyone know who you are? Tuck it away in a pocket and bag and only show it when security insists. (click to tweet!)
  18. Tell security “Don’t you know who I am” instead of showing your badge (click to tweet!)
  19. Avoid the Admin/Dev/Trailhead zones like they are the black death. You see enough of that marketing. I’m sure there’s nothing new there or anyone worth talking to that will tolerate your coughing and sneezing (click to tweet!)
  20. Don’t have fun and complain loudly. It’s a conference. It’s expensive. You had to travel 8+ hours in cramp conditions to get there. It’s probably raining and you have to walk blocks between sessions while wearing high heels and coughing all the time. No one will talk to you and you haven’t learned anything. Why did you even come? (click to tweet!)

Disclaimer: Do not follow the advice above. This is satire.

With that in mind, what is your bad advice for Dreamforce? Tell me in the comments!






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